3 -1- 6 Focusing on 1

So... I never wrote a "Remembering - Part 2" (regarding Ty). I... I don't even know what to post. It's now been over a year since our little man was called home to live with his Lord and Savior. I look at his photos daily as they are right by where I do my workouts (which I do daily now, too.) I feel like the worst mom, though. I didn't even shed one tear on his heavenly birthday - not one. I almost just feel more numb to emotions these days than anything. Maybe it's because I am so very thankful for our gift and blessing of Casey. Maybe it's that I'm so busy doing my best to keep Tegan in line and out of trouble (which I'm not good at, for the record). Maybe it's that it was just too overwhelming to believe that it's truly been a year since his passing. Who knows, but I've just been numb when it comes to emotions regarding Ty.

Tegan and I have been talking about Ty and heaven a lot lately. He is such an amazing brother and never forgets anything. One night at "per" time (he calls prayers "pers") he became concerned after we said "amen" and he realized that he "hadn't asked God to say goodnight to Ty." We never ask God to say goodnight to Ty. We always ask God to "send big hugs to Ty and tell him we love him and miss him" but never have we asked him to say goodnight. I was so surprised by his comment. So, with no hesitation, we re-entered into "per" and asked God to say goodnight to Ty from Tegan. Now that brought tears to my eyes.


Following that "per" Tegan asked a little about Ty and wanted to reconfirm where he is. I explained that he's in heaven with God and Jesus and is always happy now. I asked if he remembered when Ty went to heaven and he wasn't sure. I explained that Ty just had his 1 year heaven birthday. He followed by saying, "yeah, you know that Daddy's papa went to heaven, too. Yeah, rember?" He then wanted to know what we did when Ty went to heaven and I explained that everyone was "vreally" (as Tegan would say) sad and cried a lot. He added, "yeah, I cried a lot too, didn't I Mommy?" Yes, Tegan did cry a lot, but I explained that I think it was because he saw Mommy and Daddy and all of his Gram'mas and Papas and family and friends crying too. He then wanted to know why we cried and I explained that we were sad because we weren't ready for Ty to go to heaven because usually people go to heaven when they are very old and their bodies are very tired and don't work well anymore. That satisfied his question.

I could tell, though that Tegan was feeling my emotions that night as his tone of voice was very sympathetic and even sad. I then explained to Tegan that one reason I stopped crying was because of him and his loving hugs and kisses - that he is just so good at loving people that I was happy again and not too super sad. Upon hearing that Tegan smiled about as big as I have seen him smile... not just a smile, but an "oh WOW! I'm SO special and I helped Mommy feel happy and not cry" smile. It was truly precious!
We did get a beautiful bouquet in the mail from our parents in honor/memory of Ty (of course I didn't think to take a picture, though. Darn!) It had purple carnations and roses with some really pretty greenery. Similar to this one:It was truly beautiful. Brendan and I also went out for a nice dinner the day before Ty's heavenly birthday. We reminisced about what Ty might be doing now and how he would probably have had us on our toes making sure he wasn't getting into too much trouble. After having Casey and seeing how much she looks like Tegan and Ty we knew that all our kids would/do look alike. We wondered how much Ty would have grown to look like Tegan and how they would get along - would Tegan have been as loving to Ty as he is to Casey? I have almost no doubt about it... he's such an amazing big brother to Casey I don't know how he could have been any different with Ty other than he was just younger and less mature a year ago than he is now.

I took a few of Ty's pictures down the other day. I ordered prints of Casey's pictures that I took (some were in the last post) and I needed frames. It felt weird to take them down and replace the photos with those of Casey. I only took down 2 photos, but still. I figured that if Ty were here I'd be doing the same thing as I also replaced a few pics of Tegan with those of Casey, too. Still... it felt like I was doing something wrong, like I was starting to forget...


Well... that's all for today. All this is exhausting me emotionally in addition to the physical exhaustion I already am experiencing (due to obvious reasons).

Take care and God bless!!!
Love to all!
~jenn

3 -1- 6 Focusing on 3

Well - I am officially the mother of a 3 year old rambunctious, opinionated, independent mommy's boy (you know him as Tegan), a little boy who has been in the arms of our Savior for 1 year but that I also miss oh-so-much (you know him as Ty), and a 6 week old little girl who looks so much like her brothers did as infants but is also so unique and beautiful in her own feminine way and is so cuddly and easy to love on (you know her as Casey). Yes, those are my babes - 3 of the most important people in my life.

Here's the 3 of us that are still on this side of heaven.

I'll focus on my first baby today...
Tegan continues to have the most beautifully captivating eyes in the world... even when he is in the midst of a horrible tantrum, his beautiful blue eyes can still shine through the anger and frustration he is feeling and grab hold of my heart and just want to grab him and hug him and love on him... but he won't let me do that until he's had a chance to just be 3 and scream (heartbreaking screams) and yell (so hard and loud that even my throat hurts for him) and pout (until I think he really is going to trip over his own lip) and cry (great big alligator tears) and throw himself on the floor. Yes, these tantrums are beyond exhausting for all involved, but this month's Parents magazine (and every other mom I've talked to) remind me that they are completely normal and that we "grown-ups" just need to keep our wits and patience and, well, somehow that will help. AND - eventually the tantrums will decrease in quantity and severity and we will forget about how frustrating they really were. I compare this to childbirth (or at least labor) because I was reminded when I was laboring with Casey how much it really did/does hurt. You truly forget how bad it is and I think that's God's way of ensuring reproduction. You forget how much labor and birth hurt and then you forget how tired you are during those first few months when you're up nursing every 3 hours and then you forget how frustrating the tantrums of 2 and 3 year-olds really are...

So what HAS my 3 year old been up to other than throwing tantrums?

* Tegan had his first "real" birthday party - with a big fancy cake (that I made, might I add), and invitations (ok, so they were evites, not paper invites, but still) and friends and games and the whole sh-bang. He even smiled during the Happy Birthday song this year instead of crying (remember???). The boys did parallel play most of the party, but that's fine and Tegan truly does enjoy playing with all his presents, and he even did a pretty good job sharing them with his friends at the party, too. All reports from the moms and dad that were there are that the party was a hit and the kids all had fun.

* We are in the midst of potty training. Tegan is the proud owner of 6 pairs of Disney's Cars "big boy" underpants and (though he hasn't seen them yet) 6 pairs of Mickey Mouse underpants. We started the underpants on Wednesday when he was home from daycare (so that he could go to the Valentine's party there on Friday - he typically goes to daycare M-W). I convinced him to wear underpants and I set the timer on my iPhone for 30 minutes and everytime Tegan heard the duck start quacking (that's the sound he chose) we went tried to go potty (I say "we" meaning Tegan tried and I sat on the edge of the tub and encouraged). When T did make some pee he got to put a sticker on the chart I made and when he got 10 stickers he got a prize.

Surprisingly (and much to my excitement and answer to prayers) T only had 2 accidents between the 2 days. On Wed he realized while playing that he'd started to go so he stopped himself (WOW!) and we ran to the bathroom where he finished going "potty" (potty=pee, so you are aware of our potty terms here, ha!). The 2nd accident made me laugh... it was on Brendan. Ok, so not totally ON Brendan, Tegan had peed and then sat on Brendan's lap, but still. Made me chuckle.

Tegan had another relatively successful day of training on Friday at daycare, but this weekend has been anything but... T has been in Pull-Ups all weekend and I think that's why - he knows that if he pees in the Pull-Up it will not get on him and his clothes. My hope is to put him back in underpants after his nap and see if that doesn't help remedy the situation. I found myself saying "Tegan, you went potty in your Pull-up. I asked you if you needed to go potty, why didn't you say yes?" and then I got the response "I went in my Pull-Up, Mommy, so I didn't need to go on the potty. The Pull-Up holds my pee." UGH, the kid is just too smart!

* Tegan has now begun to "learn" how to ice skate. Tegan and Brendan went out and bought Tegan his first pair of hockey skates a few weeks ago and since then T and Daddy have gone to the rink at least 2, maybe even 3 times. Casey and I even joined them on one occasion. Tegan will either "skate" holding onto Brendan's or my hands or he'll push the hockey goal around the ice (after we've tipped it over). He seems to enjoy it, though there were a few outbursts of frustration and/or nervousness when I went with them.
* Tegan L-O-V-E-S his little sister. It is SO precious to watch him love on her, though he's a little rougher/stronger than he realizes. Our new rule is that he can't touch her face or head...ha! But in all seriousness, Tegan would do just about anything for his lil' sis. He sings to her when she cries, he put her pacifier back into her mouth when she spits it out, he calmly tells her "it's OK" when she fusses, he shares his coveted kitty. He even suggested the other day that we should put some money from his piggy bank into hers so that her piggy bank isn't empty. How sweet or maybe it's just that he doesn't truly understand the concept of money yet, either way it's CUTE!
OK - This post has gotten long enough for now. Look for the next post "3-1-6 Focusing on 1" next time :) Have you figured out what I'm talking about with that? If not, reread the first paragraph of this post.
Love to all!
~j