3 -1- 6 Focusing on 1

So... I never wrote a "Remembering - Part 2" (regarding Ty). I... I don't even know what to post. It's now been over a year since our little man was called home to live with his Lord and Savior. I look at his photos daily as they are right by where I do my workouts (which I do daily now, too.) I feel like the worst mom, though. I didn't even shed one tear on his heavenly birthday - not one. I almost just feel more numb to emotions these days than anything. Maybe it's because I am so very thankful for our gift and blessing of Casey. Maybe it's that I'm so busy doing my best to keep Tegan in line and out of trouble (which I'm not good at, for the record). Maybe it's that it was just too overwhelming to believe that it's truly been a year since his passing. Who knows, but I've just been numb when it comes to emotions regarding Ty.

Tegan and I have been talking about Ty and heaven a lot lately. He is such an amazing brother and never forgets anything. One night at "per" time (he calls prayers "pers") he became concerned after we said "amen" and he realized that he "hadn't asked God to say goodnight to Ty." We never ask God to say goodnight to Ty. We always ask God to "send big hugs to Ty and tell him we love him and miss him" but never have we asked him to say goodnight. I was so surprised by his comment. So, with no hesitation, we re-entered into "per" and asked God to say goodnight to Ty from Tegan. Now that brought tears to my eyes.


Following that "per" Tegan asked a little about Ty and wanted to reconfirm where he is. I explained that he's in heaven with God and Jesus and is always happy now. I asked if he remembered when Ty went to heaven and he wasn't sure. I explained that Ty just had his 1 year heaven birthday. He followed by saying, "yeah, you know that Daddy's papa went to heaven, too. Yeah, rember?" He then wanted to know what we did when Ty went to heaven and I explained that everyone was "vreally" (as Tegan would say) sad and cried a lot. He added, "yeah, I cried a lot too, didn't I Mommy?" Yes, Tegan did cry a lot, but I explained that I think it was because he saw Mommy and Daddy and all of his Gram'mas and Papas and family and friends crying too. He then wanted to know why we cried and I explained that we were sad because we weren't ready for Ty to go to heaven because usually people go to heaven when they are very old and their bodies are very tired and don't work well anymore. That satisfied his question.

I could tell, though that Tegan was feeling my emotions that night as his tone of voice was very sympathetic and even sad. I then explained to Tegan that one reason I stopped crying was because of him and his loving hugs and kisses - that he is just so good at loving people that I was happy again and not too super sad. Upon hearing that Tegan smiled about as big as I have seen him smile... not just a smile, but an "oh WOW! I'm SO special and I helped Mommy feel happy and not cry" smile. It was truly precious!
We did get a beautiful bouquet in the mail from our parents in honor/memory of Ty (of course I didn't think to take a picture, though. Darn!) It had purple carnations and roses with some really pretty greenery. Similar to this one:It was truly beautiful. Brendan and I also went out for a nice dinner the day before Ty's heavenly birthday. We reminisced about what Ty might be doing now and how he would probably have had us on our toes making sure he wasn't getting into too much trouble. After having Casey and seeing how much she looks like Tegan and Ty we knew that all our kids would/do look alike. We wondered how much Ty would have grown to look like Tegan and how they would get along - would Tegan have been as loving to Ty as he is to Casey? I have almost no doubt about it... he's such an amazing big brother to Casey I don't know how he could have been any different with Ty other than he was just younger and less mature a year ago than he is now.

I took a few of Ty's pictures down the other day. I ordered prints of Casey's pictures that I took (some were in the last post) and I needed frames. It felt weird to take them down and replace the photos with those of Casey. I only took down 2 photos, but still. I figured that if Ty were here I'd be doing the same thing as I also replaced a few pics of Tegan with those of Casey, too. Still... it felt like I was doing something wrong, like I was starting to forget...


Well... that's all for today. All this is exhausting me emotionally in addition to the physical exhaustion I already am experiencing (due to obvious reasons).

Take care and God bless!!!
Love to all!
~jenn