Heaven

I recently read a birth story written by a mother who was unaware that her 2nd child had downs syndrome until the baby was born. In the story the mother shared all of her thoughts and emotions before, during and after her daughter's birth - the good, the bad and the ugly.

Since Ty's delivery, his physical birth, I've thought about writing his birth story, though I guess only he and God truly know what that was like since he was born into Heaven and the arms of Jesus. I still wish I could have known the moment my sweet baby boy met Jesus. I guess my thought is that since God got to have him I at least wanted to be there when he took him. No mother wants her child to meet the Lord before she does, but I'm guessing that if it's going to happen then just about any mother would want to be with her child when his time on Earth was finished. Maybe I'm wrong, but that's definitely how I feel. I guess I was there, but I just didn't know it - I wish I knew it.

OK - here we go - deep breath - another deep breath... you may want to grab a kleenex or 2.

This is part 1 of Ty's birth story:

On Monday, January 26th, 2009 my 2nd child, Ty, met his Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

Monday, January 26th wasn't like any other day. It was the day I was to help interview for my long term substitute for my maternity leave. I was SO excited as it was just one step closer to meeting my 2nd child, a boy, who was either going to be named Camden Gary or Ty Gary - we were going to wait to meet him before we made the final decision. All morning I sat in on interviews, asking questions, scribbling down answers, thinking about which prospective teacher would mesh best with my students. I think it was the last candidate that we chose, but I knew right away that she was the one I wanted in my classroom, teaching my students. We chatted a bit before the interview in the office and she had that cool confidence. After her interview I told my principal that she was the one - no question about it.

Upon returning to my classroom at lunch-time I found that my morning had not gone too well. I had a feeling that might happen - when I checked in on my sub before school she was confused by my lesson plans (despite them being excessively detailed). Whatever, what was done was done and the kids would be fine. The full-time paraprofessional in my classroom was out for the day so there was a sub in for her, too. My students, I knew, were going to be "off" since over the noon-time hour the para sub was with them. Nothing she did wrong, having a sub just throws schedules and such off...

The afternoon went well, seemed rushed but went well. The read aloud for the day was, "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" by Iza Tripani. It meant nothing to me then, but looking back now it has more meaning - sometimes I do wonder if a star is born whenever someone dies... After school I had a feeling like I should plan out my week a bit more than I already had - I had a feeling my entire pregnancy that my baby would be born before his due date, even from the moment I learned I was pregnant.

Walking from the car into our daycare provider's house I briefly noted to myself that I hadn't really felt the baby move much, if at all, that day. Odd since he had always been a busy guy, but I brushed it off as nothing big - Tegan had days where he was exceptionally quiet in my belly. I just made sure to pay a bit more attention for movement on the drive home.

Brendan must have gotten home early that day because when I got home with Tegan he was already there, suiting up to go out for a bike ride (yes, in January). I mentioned to him that Baby had been quiet all day so I was going to go lay down for a bit since that usually got him up and moving and then T and I would be at church as it was the first night of a new session of our Parents and Me music class. Brendan said "OK" and reminded me that he had his cell if I needed to get a hold of him for anything. Brendan left and Tegan and I went downstairs so that he could play and I could lay on the couch.

Around 5:00 (maybe it was 5:03, that time is sticking out in my mind) I laid down. Tegan kept trying to crawl all over me and I kept pushing him off telling him that Mommy needed some quiet time. Baby Boy #2 (now known as Ty) always started moving and grooving after just a few minutes of my laying quietly.

5 minutes passed - no movement

10 minutes passed - no movement

15 minutes passed - no movement

For a brief moment I thought about going to music class to see if that got Baby moving but I decided it was time to call the midwife. I remember exactly what I said:

"I'm sure it's nothing, but I haven't felt Baby move much today."

She agreed that he was probably just being quiet but being that I had already laid down and wasn't getting movement I should go in. She also suggested that I eat something before I go in and maybe my blood sugar was just low and that would get him moving - I ate a bowl of clam chowder that wasn't very good.

I called Brendan and told him what was going on and that I didn't need him to come with me, I'd be fine. I took Tegan across the street thinking I'd be home in an hour. I carried him up the driveway being extra careful not to fall since it was icy. I then got in the car and drove the 10 min to the hospital. As I passed the Home Depot I called my mother-in-law and left her a message:

"Hi, Devin, it's Jenn. I'm sure it's nothing but I just wanted to call and let you know what's going on. I haven't felt Baby move much today so they want me to come in and be monitored for a bit."

I don't remember how I ended the message...

It was about 6:15 or 6:30 when I got to the hospital. I parked on the opposite side of the parking lot than I normally parked on, near a street light to be safe.

I forgot my cell phone in my car.

The nurses on at the Family Birth Place/Center (whatever the official name is) were expecting me. I was taken to room 305 and told that a nurse would be in shortly. While I waited I turned on HGTV and began watching House Hunters.

When the nurse arrived I recognized her. I don't remember the nurse's name but she was the same nurse who lead/taught the baby class Brendan and I took when I was pregnant with Tegan. I commented on the memory to her and asked if she'd had a boy or a girl as she was pregnant when she taught the class. She had a boy.

Note: From here on out for some reason I feel like "Baby" became "Ty"... not sure why I feel like it should change here, but I do (you'll read in the next post about how "Baby" became "Ty"). Just a FYI.

For a good 5 minutes she tried to find Ty's heartbeat. She asked if I'd felt any movement since I arrived and I casually said, "No." She talked to Ty, jiggled my belly and tried to find the heartbeat again and again with no success. She concluded that she just must not have had the touch that night and was going to have another nurse come in and give it a try. I'm sure she knew what had happened at that point. At 1 day shy of 34 weeks it should have been no problem finding a baby's heartbeat. The thought of how serious the situation really was had not even crossed my mind.

It had been just a week since my last appointment where Ty's heartbeat was good and strong.

I think this was the point that I called Brendan and updated him on what was going on. He was at the furthest point out on the trail, about 2 hours away. I can't remember if I asked him to or if it was his decision, but at that point he turned around and was going to come to the hospital. After talking to him hours or days or weeks later (I can't remember when he told me) Brendan says it was at that moment, when I told him that there was still no movement and they couldn't find a heartbeat, that he knew what had happened. He has since put up a small cross at that very spot that he was at when I called him. Last he checked it was still there.

Shortly after I talked to Brendan my midwife came in with a really old looking ultrasound machine. She said she'd see what she could see. After a few minutes of her "looking" around she explained that she was "no ultrasound tech" and since it was such an old machine it gave pretty messy pictures so she couldn't tell what she was seeing. She said she'd call ultrasound downstairs and have them come up with one of their machines that were state of the art. I'm sure she was just stalling things at that point. Me, I was still completely unaware of what was going on - I now view my ignorance as a blessing.

Brendan arrived right around 8:45 as I was about 1/2 way though another House Hunters episode. The couple was from the Twin Cities - I want to say Plymouth, but I can't be for sure on that. Right after Brendan arrived so did the ultrasound tech with her big, fancy u/s machine. It was the same u/s tech that had performed the 20 week ultrasound on me and told us how beautiful our baby's organs were and that our baby was, very clearly, a boy.

Someone turned the lights off just before the ultrasound began. The tech was talking up a storm, explaining that she was taking pictures to show the midwife. Then she stopped talking.

That's when I briefly thought of what could have caused her to stop talking but quickly brushed it off as her focusing on her work.

She then took a few more pictures and quickly cleaned the gel off my belly and said very plainly that she was done. As she left the room I jokingly asked her, "dare I ask?"

Her response: "I'll let Dawn tell you."

It was then I knew but tried to brush it off again. I looked at Brendan but I don't remember his face.

Dawn, our midwife, came in and just shook her head holding back tears and said 2 words I'll never forget.

"I'm sorry."

I lost it.

I screamed.

"NO! NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!" "WHY?!"

"I don't know," she said.

"When?"

"The ultrasound tech said that based on the level of clotting around his heart it's been about 4 hours."

4 hours would have put Ty's death at just around 5pm. Right when I was laying down to get him moving. I was aware of him when he died, probably, but not aware of what was truly happening.

It was around 5pm on Monday, January 26th, 2009 that my child was born - born into the arms of his Father. His heavenly birth.

Heaven - the home that my child was born into.