Crashing...

Preface: at a minimum, the following is a way for me to get some (OK, a lot) off my chest.  If you get something out of it, that's a bonus. :)  It's long... but all important.  However, the last paragraph and link kind of sum it all up (kind of...)

As you all know, we lost our son Ty 3 years, 3 months and 9 days ago today.  I grieved, I still do, and did my best to pick up and continue with life as best as I could.  3 months after Ty's death I became pregnant with our sweet little spitfire, Casey.  My focus then shifted to having a "successful" pregnancy, as I call it.  Thankfully, the Lord answered that prayer and we were given our Wawa on New Year's Eve... 2009 began with heartache and ended with immense joy, celebration and renewal.

Looking back I believe the first year or so of Casey's life was a bit of a blur for me.  I was allowed myself to focus on her, and T, too, of course, but there's definitely something about being given the responsibility of taking care of a new life that overtakes you.  That child is so helpless that there is not really time to think about anything else and for me that allowed me to push my pain and grief aside - not completely but significantly.  I couldn't grieve intensely and give Casey and Tegan what they needed at the same time.  I view this as a blessing.

Once Casey became more independent, and especially after she stopped nursing, I found that there was more and more time to allow myself to more intensely focus on the loss of Ty.  A year passed and I had learned to balance and manage my contrasting emotions in way that worked for me.  I wasn't in a constant sate of grief and pain, but Ty was always on my mind... resting on my shoulder, but in a way that I could appreciate and embrace the new woman I had become after enduring the pain and heartache of being reminded that I am only in control of my choices but not the world around me.

Little did I know that my world was going to be rocked to the core yet again.

Ty's loss was obviously one that was completely unexpected.  The thought of losing a baby after every test and scan showed "perfection" had never crossed my mind.  One day my sweet baby was moving and the next he was gone.  Then last fall, just as I was living and enjoying my new normal, the world changed again.  My nephew was diagnosed with cancer and scheduled to begin chemo the next day... within 24 hours it became known that the cancer had spread too far to treat - Andrew's condition was terminal unless God performed a miracle.

Andrew was born 2 days after Ty was received by our Lord and Savior.  He was the child that I looked to and smiled through tears at imagining how he and Ty would have played together.  Now he was set to have that opportunity - to not only play with his cousin but live in the light of his Lord.  Stated in that way it sounds so exciting and positive, and it is... but not without causing those of us that remain behind, here on Earth, grieving that we could not go with him or keep him here with us.  After 7 short weeks Andrew met his Savior face to face and lives every day in His glory, playing with Ty and feeling no more pain.

The pain has remained with me, though.  I am not grieving Andrew's earthly death more than I did/do Ty's, but it's taken me back a long way in where I was in my grief over Ty's death.  I've prayed and searched my soul for ways that I can enjoy quiet time, alone time... but that's the one thing I struggle with.  As the end of the school year approaches I am also reminded of how quickly time passes and how much I still want to do with my students.  You may not understand the connection there, but it's very clear to me.  The end of a school year is by no means a "loss" but it is the end of a chapter... a time that I have a huge amount of responsibility over 20+ little lives... I know that the time with them as "mine" is coming to an end and my life will change when those little souls and eager minds are not with me 5 days a week.  We become a community, a family in some ways, and then the year is done and the family is dispersed.

I feel like I've been rambling a bit... so to bring it back to focus, I have been praying that God would show me where my family and I should be attending church.  We've never really felt "at home" in any church we've visited, and now that the Tegan and Casey are getting older I really want them to begin developing a broader and deeper understanding of God and the Bible and why Brendan and I believe in it and God and Jesus... why it is all so important to us and the foundation of our lives and family.  Last week we went to Grace Church in Eden Prairie.  At 25 minute drive from our new home but known to be amazing.  B and I attended there off and on the first few years of marriage and then began to attend churches closer to our homes.  We've really struggled with regularly attending any church since Tegan was born as he's always fought going to the nursery and Sunday School.  Last week a prayer was answered when we went to Grace and both kids went to Sunday School with little to no hesitation and LOVED it by the end.  For Brendan and I, the service was lead by a guest pastor.  The message was engaging and interesting but all week we've been told by others that we've got to go back and experience Pastor Troy.

Tonight, in my time alone, my soul began to ache.  The same thing happened last night.  I ached to hold Ty in my arms, to see the sparkling eyes and toothy grin of Andrew, and even felt pain and fear after a brief scare with Tegan this week (he has an inguinal hernia that began to be painful which can indicate a serious problem).  Then...my phone rang.  An elderly gentleman from Grace was calling to thank us for attending/visiting last week and invite us back - that we simply need to experience Pastor Troy and the gift he has for teaching the Word.  He was so easy to talk to and so very genuine.  I decided to go to the Grace website and look through archived sermons... I came to the following and it was exactly what I needed.  It's about 28 minutes, but you finish with a lifted heart and joyful soul.  Jesus is ALWAYS with us.
What to Do When Your World Crashes! | Grace Church

~jenn