Big Fat Tears

Well, I did it.

I don't know the last time I truly let myself do it... but in the wee hours of the morning I let it happen.

I cried for Ty.

Big, fat, soak your pillow alligator tears.

My body shook, I could hardly catch my breath at times...

You might have even called it weeping.

Thankfully Brendan was there and woke up and held me and just let me cry. Thank you, Sweetie! You don't know how important that embrace was!

I was up feeding Casey and after putting her back down and while waiting for her to return to her slumber I decided to catch up on friends' blogs and then...

BAM!

It hit me - hard.

MY baby is in heaven and I am not. My child went to his eternal home before me. That's not supposed to happen!

I am now living a life that I describe as bittersweet...
It's bitter - my baby died and I don't even know why.
My 3 year old questions death and why things die on almost a daily basis. He always asks why someone or something died (like Ty, Brendan's grandpa, an animal on the side of the road, etc.) He understands, I think, that it means that whoever died is not living like we do and will be that way forever. Whenever he hears that someone or something died or is dead he explains how Daddy's (Brendan's) papa died and went to heaven to live with Jesus just like Ty. In his eyes everyone and everything that dies is goes to be with Jesus - oh my dear Tegan, how I wish that was the case. Someday you will better understand.

Then there's the sweet - I've got a beautiful, precious, amazing little baby girl that I probably wouldn't have if Ty had not gone to be with Jesus. My daughter, Casey Devin, is a girl whose smile lights up the room, who is such a mama's girl but truly gives her biggest smiles to her daddy and big brother... the brother that is here on this side of heaven. There's that bitter again, the fact that Casey will grow up with only one of her big brother's here to protect her and play with her and fight with her and tease her and do all the things that big brothers do. Tegan will live up to the challenge of having to do it all himself - that I'm sure of. And there's the sweet again - Tegan. He is a stink-pot (as Brendan said about him just yesterday) but he has the most tender, loving soul.

And that's where I will stop... with the sweet - as it makes my heart fill with joy and love and all the good things that God gives us through our children.

Love to all!
~j