By Heart

Today was a rough day for me... most Sundays and nearly all Mondays have been that way since Ty was called Home. I think because Sunday the 25th was the last day I clearly remember him moving... he even had the hiccups that evening. I remember telling Tegan, "Your brother has the hiccups. How silly!" And then Tegan pretended that he had the hiccups (which he gets ALL the time and has since he was in my belly. Heck, the poor kid had them throughout his 20 week ultrasound). And we laughed and laughed and Tegan kept saying, "Bru-dur kick-cups" and then he'd pretend to hiccup again. Then Mondays, of course, are tough because that's the day we "lost" Ty... I'm sure they'll get less painful as time goes by... or at least more tolerable. I have to remind myself that one of the best days of my life was also a Monday. Tegan was born happy and healthy on a Monday. :)

I was in a Hallmark store the other day and was looking through the Sympathy cards... I was frustrated to see that there were only 2 cards for "Loss of a Child" and 1 for "Loss of Grandchild". Then I became almost angry to see that there were 2-3x as many for "Loss of Pet". I thought of my sister, who has taken this pretty hard... there were no cards for loss of niece/nephew. I know that this is all probably because losing a pet is much more common that losing a child, grandchild and nephew/niece, but it still happens. SO many of the cards (the general "sympathy" cards) kept referring to all the wonderful memories that one would have of their loved one and to remember those, the good times, the times that stand out most in one's mind. They made my heart ache, ache even more than it had been because I felt like I didn't have ANY memories of my "lost" loved one.

Tonight as I sit here I know that I DO have memories of my "lost" loved one... my baby boy, my Ty. They just aren't the memories I had expected to have of my child; well, they are, but I expected to have many more. Don't get me wrong, no parent EVER expects or even dreams (if that is even a proper word) for their child to die and considers what memories he or she will have of their child... but once it happens or you learn that your child could face that fate you DO think of those things, the things that you never really realized you had already thought of but you had. I suppose these memories could be the same as the experiences you had anticipated having with your baby, your child. Experiences you were looking forward to having, the anticipations of what was to come. (I realize that I'm using several words over and over, but they say what I'm thinking and I don't feel like finding a thesaurus right now).

For me, the memories I have of my Ty are those of what I felt him do inside of my belly, my womb, the only place Ty ever knew of living on this earth. I remember his kicks and punches, his rolls, his stretches. I remember hearing his heartbeat one last time, almost one week to the HOUR before his little heart, the heart we had thought was so strong, ceased its work. I remember laying on the bed watching the screen at my 20-week ultrasound... ironically, the same ultrasound tech from that day was the one who performed the last ultrasound of my pregnancy, too. I remember marveling over Ty's long and seemingly flexible legs and each of his 10 fingers and 10 toes, watching his little heart beat away, listening to the tech comment on how "beautiful" our child's organs were... Yes, she used the word "beautiful" yet something must have not been so beautiful in the eyes of our Lord... not perfect enough that He decided that He needed to be brought to heaven to be made perfect. I would have been fine with having a little boy with a less-than-perfect body, as long as he was happy... but is that really the truth? NO! If my child's less-than-perfect body was going to cause him life-long pain and suffering then I must retract my statement. I met a girl, a woman (what would I call her? What would I call myself?) whose son died too, right around the time that Ty died. Her son, her Logan was about 22 weeks gestation, and he, too, was stillborn. She recently found out that one of the causes of her son's death was Downs Syndrome, so I assume that means that he had a very severe form. Finding this out made her realize that God was not only thinking of her happiness and well-being but also, and maybe even more so, that of her child, her son, his well-being, his quality of life. God knew that it was also about Logan and that if he were to have survived and been born, that he would not have lived a happy life... that the best thing for Logan was to go Home, to his eternal home then. This has made me, too, realize that God was thinking of Ty, and not just me or Brendan or anyone else, when He decided that Earth was not the place for him, for Ty. He was thinking of Ty's best interests... what was best for him and not me, not us. Though that fact, that knowledge doesn't ease my pain or lessen my sorrow, it does ease my mind and comfort my heart and my soul...

Another thought has been stuck in my brain, too... Why do we always refer to the dead as "lost" or "passed"? Is that supposed to make it hurt less? I suppose I don't even really view my Ty as being dead and I definitely don't believe he is "lost" (though I have said that, that word, in the same sentence as Ty's name) because in my heart I know that he is living, his memory will live in my heart as long as I live and his SOUL is living and will forever. Forever and ever with our Lord, Jesus Christ. Not only is Ty in heaven with so many of our friends and family who have gone before him, but he is in the presence of GOD! Just typing that makes my heart swell with pride. Is that a bad thing to be prideful of? Knowing that my son is forever with his Lord? I suppose it is nice to never have to worry about the eternal fate of my Ty... to worry that I didn't do a good enough job of teaching him about Jesus, his savior, and how only HE is the way, the path to perfect eternal life... as Jesus put it "paradise." Just think, ETERNAL PARADISE! I guess I'm OK with the fact that God took that job, that experience away from me; it's just one less thing I have to worry about in life, at least in relation to Ty. I'll still have to teach Tegan the Way, the Path, but it's comforting to know Ty already knows that fact.

OK, I've done enough venting and soul searching and wondering and remembering for tonight. I'll finish with the one thing I had planned on posting tonight and that is the lyrics to a song that was played at Ty's memorial service. I chose 2 songs to be played at the service and our dear friend Katie, who is an amazingly gifted piano player/pianist, chose 2 more beautiful songs to play, as well. The 3 songs I remember being played, of the 4, are the two I chose "Little Star" and "By Heart", and one that Katie chose, "Jesus Loves Me"... I think, now I'm second guessing that as a song she played. Regardless, "Little Star" seemed so appropriate, so perfect. I call Ty my little angel, but I know, I believe, that when a person dies they do not become an angel as angels have always been just that, angels. I also know that Ty didn't "become a star" but I still sometimes think of him as one, a little ray of light that is far away and seems so small but shines brightly in my life, nonetheless. I even, "coincidentally", read the book "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" to my students the afternoon that Ty died. (I realized that before, but WOW, it still seems SO weird to me.) The song "By Heart" (and Little Star) are both by Jim Brickman. At Ty's memorial service Katie just played the piano portion of "By Heart". I never really liked the song too much until all this happened, until my Ty died. Then I pulled out my Jim Brickman piano book and my CD and started searching for a 2nd song as I knew immediately that I wanted "Little Star" to be played... (On another side note: Twinkle Twinkle is also one of Tegan's favorite songs, pretty neat, huh?!) Well, upon looking through the book and listening to the CD I kept going back to "By Heart". I'm sure it was initially written as a love song between a man and a woman, but I thought it was quite appropriate for my situation... for me and my Ty. So, I'll stop rambling and share the lyrics with you. If you google the song you can also listen to a short clip of it... it's truly beautiful!
Enjoy and love to all!
~j

BY HEART
Hold me close, baby please
Tell me anything but that you're gonna leave
As I kiss this fallen tear
I promise you I will be here

Until the stars fall from the sky
Until I find the reason why
And darling as the years go by
Until there's no tears left to cry
'Til the angels close my eyes
And even if we're worlds apart
I'll find my way back to you...
By heart

When you go, I'll stop the clock
I won't ever let this moment stop
Time is stealing you from me
But it can never take this memory

Until the stars fall from the sky
Until I find the reason why
And darling as the years go by
Until there's no tears left to cry
'Til the angels close my eyes
And even if we're worlds apart
I'll find my way back to you...
By heart.

Until the stars fall from the sky
Until I find the reason why
And darling as the years go by
Until there's no tears left to cry
'Til the angels close my eyes
And even if we're worlds apart
I'll find my way back to you...
By heart.

24 Month Stats

Here they are... Tegan's official 24 month measurements and relating statistics in relation to how he compares to the rest of all 2-year olds (or something like that).
NOTE: most of the pics in this post are just random shots that I thought were cute... so they don't necessarily relate to the stories they precede or proceed

Weight: 30.4 lbs = 79%ile
Height is a whopping 36 in (head to heal) = 90%ile
Head Circumference: I don't have the measurements in front of me, but it's [still] 40%ile.

Below is T's meal of choice (well, what was left of it after his birthday party dinner)... the meal of champions: hot dog with "check-up" (as T calls it) and "acroni cheese".
A few stories to accompany the above info:
The weight is a rough estimate because T wouldn't sit still in the seated scale nor stand very long on the "regular" scale. While I was checking in T went off to the "well child" are to play. Upon looking up after about 2 minutes he couldn't see me and because VERY upset thinking I had left him. The poor guy ran straight out the main door (as he now knows how to use the handicap button to open doors) and started running down the hall of the building (thankfully our clinic is inside of the St. Francis Medical Center building, so the main door to the Peds office doesn't lead directly outside). I quickly ran after him and it took 20 minutes of me reassuring him that I wasn't going anywhere before he calmed down.

Then there's Tegan's height... I used to tease (tease who, I don't know, myself, Tegan, Brendan...) that T's height/length was all torso, but his legs are finally starting to grow... Let's just put it this way, for his entire life, T has always outgrown one-piece outfits and footed pj's in the torso area long before the legs of the clothes were too short... shorts have always been like capri pants on the little guy and lastly, for the past few months Tegan has been wearing 2T shirts and 12-18 month pants. His legs are finally too long for all of his 12-18 month pants and in the past month his 18-24 month pants (they fit him for a mere month) have quickly gotten to be too short, too (yes, in just a matter of weeks, really!). So, I've had to make a few trips to the clearance racks and Once Upon A Child as most stores have already clearanced out all of their toddler pants... seriously, it's FEBRUARY, we've still got at least 2 months of snow left if not more!
Have I mentioned Tegan's memory on here? He has the memory of an elephant... they are the ones who "never forget", right? I swear, the kid remembers EVERYTHING! The cutest and most innocent example I have relates to the day of Ty's memorial service. I think I've blogged about how T used to LOVE (or at least enjoy) going to the nursery at church... well, such is no longer the case. As we walk toward the nursery each Sunday he begins crying out "no, No, NO!!!". Our nursery has a beeper/buzzer system (like at restaurants). They buzz you for things such as a dirty diaper, nasty runny nose, getting sick (puking), and crying for 10 minutes straight. We get buzzed EVERY Sunday for the crying reason. It stinks! So, back to the story, we had arranged for a high school girl to watch the kids in the nursery during Ty's memorial service. When it came time to drop them off Tegan was pretty upset, but Gramma knew what to do. She just explained to Tegan that she needed to go potty and she'd come back when she was done (isn't she mean?! hahaha!). Well, that worked and T let her leave with minimal tears. After the service, I was the one to pick up Tegan. He kept telling me something about "Gamma go potty" and I just laughed and explained that Gamma was in the other room. Upon arriving back in the chapel (location of the memorial service) Tegan loudly announced to everyone "Gamma go potty." Everyone just looked at him, as I had, and wondered what he was talking about and laughed it off. Gamma was nearly in tears (from everything else, but also from Tegan's statement). She then explained the REAL story and how that was her way of getting out of the nursery. Yes, after nearly an hour, lots of toys, TV and running around my big dude did not let go of the fact that Gamma went potty and she'd be back soon. HA!!!
Other stories include: Tegan telling his Daddy this morning that he can have "ice cream after dinner" -- something I explained to him 2 weeks ago, "Daddy work hard. Make money" -- not sure where he got that one but if he's not sure where Daddy is that's one of the 2 explanations he'll give me... that or "Daddy go biking." I'll have to get a video of him saying these too, because he gets the most determined, matter-of-fact and convincing look on his face all while nodding and tilting his head to the side just a bit and looking down, just in the slightest (see the photo above for a sample of this face in still-image format). Oh, my big boy! He melts my heart! He will definitely be a life saver, someday, when I'm at the grocery store and have forgotten my list of what to buy... he'll remember it all. HA!
Totally switching subjects:
This past weekend we went to Janesville, WI (about 40 min outside of Madison) to visit Brendan's family and meet our new nephew, Andrew, who was born the day after Ty. I found myself tearing up frequently as Tegan was SO interested in Andrew, wanted to give him endless kisses and hugs, and studied him often. He was just SO enthralled with this little being that he knew as was a baby named Andrew, which he pronounced as "An-dew". He already is a wonderful big brother to Ty. He knows that Ty is part of our family, points out his pictures daily, explains that the baby in them is Ty and has even occasionally also called him "bru-dur". He knows where Ty's room is if you ask and knows that the crib is no longer his bed but rather Ty's bed. So, so sweet and innocent. I just wish Ty was here to enjoy all the lovin' that T has to offer him. I'm sure T will continue to be this amazing of a big brother to the siblings that we hope and pray that God blesses him with. I am so proud of my big-little guy. A heart of gold, I tell you, even though sometimes it needs a little reminding ;)

OK... all for now, I've got more stories to share but this post has grown long enough for tonight. Take care and God bless!
Love to all!
~j

Party Time!!!

Well, I'm finally getting around to it... posting a little detail on T's b'day party, but more importantly pictures from the "big day".

Hm... where to start? Well, I'm not sure if I already explained the party, but we decided to keep it small for one more year before going "big" since, despite T's incredible memory, we highly doubt he'll actually remember his 2nd birthday party for very long. So... maybe I'll just share the "big day" in pictures for now and explain more later.

The Latest News...

I want to begin by thanking you all, again, for all of the support, grace, love and prayers. Life is getting... well, I don't think easier or better are appropriate words, but maybe the phrase more manageable is right. I still cry daily but that's all part of the healing process.
Included in this post are a few more of my favorite photos that we got of Ty... I look at them all daily and cry, but that's good I think. Just wanted to share them with you all.
We have now gotten all of the lab reports back regarding what could have possibly gone wrong that could be detected through my blood, the placenta or the umbilical cord. As I feared, all of the tests came back "normal" or with "normal ranges." SO... Ty's death was not due to: anything I ate or inhaled (bacteria or viruses), a clotting disorder that could caused a clot in the placenta (which is good news for future pregnancies), chromosomal abnormalities that Ty could have had, any sort of trauma to the placenta (such as tearing away from the uterine wall or damage to the organ itself), and the umbilical cord had no knots in it and there didn't seem to have any trauma to it, either(which we already knew and also that it had not been wrapped around Ty's neck).
The one test that came back "normal" but on the lower end of "normal" was a test involving my thyroid. Apparently one of the levels of hormone or chemical produced by my thyroid were low, indicating that I could possibly be hyperthyroid, but pregnancy can also skew these results since the baby's thyroid doesn't begin working to it's full potential until after birth, so it pulls from the mother's thyroid. SO, I'll be getting a full thyroid work-up done at 6 weeks post delivery. Based on the research I've done so far, though, the only time there can be risk to the fetus due to the thyroid is when the mother is HYPOthyroid as opposed to HYPERthyroid. Like I said, the baby causes a higher demand on the thyroid (like it does on the pancreas and the increased need for insulin during pregnancy), so when the thyroid isn't working to it's potential is when there seems to be a higher risk for problems and stillbirth.

So... what does this all mean? Well, as I feared, we will probably never know what happened physically to cause Ty to pass. For me this is SO hard because in a way it makes me feel like it HAD to have been something that I did... something like unknowingly sleep on my back and cause limited blood flow to Ty that caused fatal damage to his body (such as decreased oxygen flow to the brain and organs). I worried that it was from Tegan climbing all over me, but all indications are that it was NOT from any physical trauma, so that eases my mind.
Still, it has been outrageously hard for me to not blame myself for not noticing Ty's lack of movement earlier in the day... I keep telling myself that I need to just accept the fact that whatever happened was out of my control and that there's nothing I could have done... that this is all part of God's plan and I need to accept this and be at peace with the fact that my little baby is safe in the arms of his Lord and Savior for the rest of eternity, but to be honest I am beyond jealous of my gracious God. In one respect I know that jealousy is wrong and I should be thankful for all of the blessings I have been given, but I also know in my heart that if I wasn't feeling this jealousy something would be wrong. I am a mother and it's perfectly normal for me to be jealous and to want to have my baby here in my arms.
I just ask that you keep praying for Brendan, Tegan and I. That you pray for peace in my heart and mind; that I allow myself to accept the reality and allow myself to continue to grow from this, to become a better and stronger person from this experience. Thank you so very much, again, for all of the support you have all provided us! Take care, God bless...
All for now...
~j

Happy Birthday to Tegan!!!

Our baby, our first baby, our big-little boy is 2 years old! I have been flooded with memories of that day all morning. The memories of waking up at 4:30am with excruciating labor pains, calling the midwife to tell her "it's time", driving to the hospital, walking from the car to the hospital doors when it was -20F, laboring through the pain until the epidural came at 9:30, pushing for 2 1/2 hours starting at 11:45am, and, finally, the rush of emotions when he was born at 2:11pm. And then there are memories of all sorts of milestones and events over the past 2 years that have made Tegan's life so VERY, VERY precious and special to all who have encountered him.

Happy Birthday to my Ray of Sunshine, my Tegan! I love you more and more every day!!! May God continue to bless you with health and happiness, and shower you with the love that only He can provide!!!

~mommy

Thank You

Dear All,
I just wanted to thank everyone for their amazing support of Brendan, Tegan, our families and I during these past several days and those to come. Words cannot express how deeply hurt, confused, sad, and beyond that we are, but similarly how deeply grateful we are for everything everyone has said and done.

We really haven't responded individually to very many emails, messages, texts, and voicemails, but know that they have all been read/heard and are SO appreciated! The outpouring of love and prayers is amazing. I am so lost for words, so please just know that we thank you all from the bottom of our hearts!

We know that this is all part of God's great plan and that we should continue to praise and glorify Him, but it is so hard to understand why so much hurt and suffering is a part of that plan and how any good can come out of such suffering. Eventually we will grow, together and individually, from this experience and we will be better people for surviving it, but it's hard to see that far into the future. So, too, God has probably done this to, somehow, save us from further pain down the road... again, hard to understand and foresee how.

Ty is in a better place, a place where there are no tears, no pain, and no suffering. He has looked into the eyes of our Lord, Jesus Christ, and seen pure and true love. Ty has felt His embrace and kiss. How amazing life must be for him?! Knowing this fact brings me great peace, though I wish Ty could have been given the gift of looking into my eyes and me the gift of looking into his... for him to feel the warmth of my embrace and the touch of my kiss on his face and me feel the warmth of his breath on my cheek... but I know that these gifts will come when I, too, am called Home.

Thank you again, and please keep sending those mighty prayers up to our Lord Jesus to help with our healing. God bless you and those you love!!!
~jenn & family