By Heart

Today was a rough day for me... most Sundays and nearly all Mondays have been that way since Ty was called Home. I think because Sunday the 25th was the last day I clearly remember him moving... he even had the hiccups that evening. I remember telling Tegan, "Your brother has the hiccups. How silly!" And then Tegan pretended that he had the hiccups (which he gets ALL the time and has since he was in my belly. Heck, the poor kid had them throughout his 20 week ultrasound). And we laughed and laughed and Tegan kept saying, "Bru-dur kick-cups" and then he'd pretend to hiccup again. Then Mondays, of course, are tough because that's the day we "lost" Ty... I'm sure they'll get less painful as time goes by... or at least more tolerable. I have to remind myself that one of the best days of my life was also a Monday. Tegan was born happy and healthy on a Monday. :)

I was in a Hallmark store the other day and was looking through the Sympathy cards... I was frustrated to see that there were only 2 cards for "Loss of a Child" and 1 for "Loss of Grandchild". Then I became almost angry to see that there were 2-3x as many for "Loss of Pet". I thought of my sister, who has taken this pretty hard... there were no cards for loss of niece/nephew. I know that this is all probably because losing a pet is much more common that losing a child, grandchild and nephew/niece, but it still happens. SO many of the cards (the general "sympathy" cards) kept referring to all the wonderful memories that one would have of their loved one and to remember those, the good times, the times that stand out most in one's mind. They made my heart ache, ache even more than it had been because I felt like I didn't have ANY memories of my "lost" loved one.

Tonight as I sit here I know that I DO have memories of my "lost" loved one... my baby boy, my Ty. They just aren't the memories I had expected to have of my child; well, they are, but I expected to have many more. Don't get me wrong, no parent EVER expects or even dreams (if that is even a proper word) for their child to die and considers what memories he or she will have of their child... but once it happens or you learn that your child could face that fate you DO think of those things, the things that you never really realized you had already thought of but you had. I suppose these memories could be the same as the experiences you had anticipated having with your baby, your child. Experiences you were looking forward to having, the anticipations of what was to come. (I realize that I'm using several words over and over, but they say what I'm thinking and I don't feel like finding a thesaurus right now).

For me, the memories I have of my Ty are those of what I felt him do inside of my belly, my womb, the only place Ty ever knew of living on this earth. I remember his kicks and punches, his rolls, his stretches. I remember hearing his heartbeat one last time, almost one week to the HOUR before his little heart, the heart we had thought was so strong, ceased its work. I remember laying on the bed watching the screen at my 20-week ultrasound... ironically, the same ultrasound tech from that day was the one who performed the last ultrasound of my pregnancy, too. I remember marveling over Ty's long and seemingly flexible legs and each of his 10 fingers and 10 toes, watching his little heart beat away, listening to the tech comment on how "beautiful" our child's organs were... Yes, she used the word "beautiful" yet something must have not been so beautiful in the eyes of our Lord... not perfect enough that He decided that He needed to be brought to heaven to be made perfect. I would have been fine with having a little boy with a less-than-perfect body, as long as he was happy... but is that really the truth? NO! If my child's less-than-perfect body was going to cause him life-long pain and suffering then I must retract my statement. I met a girl, a woman (what would I call her? What would I call myself?) whose son died too, right around the time that Ty died. Her son, her Logan was about 22 weeks gestation, and he, too, was stillborn. She recently found out that one of the causes of her son's death was Downs Syndrome, so I assume that means that he had a very severe form. Finding this out made her realize that God was not only thinking of her happiness and well-being but also, and maybe even more so, that of her child, her son, his well-being, his quality of life. God knew that it was also about Logan and that if he were to have survived and been born, that he would not have lived a happy life... that the best thing for Logan was to go Home, to his eternal home then. This has made me, too, realize that God was thinking of Ty, and not just me or Brendan or anyone else, when He decided that Earth was not the place for him, for Ty. He was thinking of Ty's best interests... what was best for him and not me, not us. Though that fact, that knowledge doesn't ease my pain or lessen my sorrow, it does ease my mind and comfort my heart and my soul...

Another thought has been stuck in my brain, too... Why do we always refer to the dead as "lost" or "passed"? Is that supposed to make it hurt less? I suppose I don't even really view my Ty as being dead and I definitely don't believe he is "lost" (though I have said that, that word, in the same sentence as Ty's name) because in my heart I know that he is living, his memory will live in my heart as long as I live and his SOUL is living and will forever. Forever and ever with our Lord, Jesus Christ. Not only is Ty in heaven with so many of our friends and family who have gone before him, but he is in the presence of GOD! Just typing that makes my heart swell with pride. Is that a bad thing to be prideful of? Knowing that my son is forever with his Lord? I suppose it is nice to never have to worry about the eternal fate of my Ty... to worry that I didn't do a good enough job of teaching him about Jesus, his savior, and how only HE is the way, the path to perfect eternal life... as Jesus put it "paradise." Just think, ETERNAL PARADISE! I guess I'm OK with the fact that God took that job, that experience away from me; it's just one less thing I have to worry about in life, at least in relation to Ty. I'll still have to teach Tegan the Way, the Path, but it's comforting to know Ty already knows that fact.

OK, I've done enough venting and soul searching and wondering and remembering for tonight. I'll finish with the one thing I had planned on posting tonight and that is the lyrics to a song that was played at Ty's memorial service. I chose 2 songs to be played at the service and our dear friend Katie, who is an amazingly gifted piano player/pianist, chose 2 more beautiful songs to play, as well. The 3 songs I remember being played, of the 4, are the two I chose "Little Star" and "By Heart", and one that Katie chose, "Jesus Loves Me"... I think, now I'm second guessing that as a song she played. Regardless, "Little Star" seemed so appropriate, so perfect. I call Ty my little angel, but I know, I believe, that when a person dies they do not become an angel as angels have always been just that, angels. I also know that Ty didn't "become a star" but I still sometimes think of him as one, a little ray of light that is far away and seems so small but shines brightly in my life, nonetheless. I even, "coincidentally", read the book "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" to my students the afternoon that Ty died. (I realized that before, but WOW, it still seems SO weird to me.) The song "By Heart" (and Little Star) are both by Jim Brickman. At Ty's memorial service Katie just played the piano portion of "By Heart". I never really liked the song too much until all this happened, until my Ty died. Then I pulled out my Jim Brickman piano book and my CD and started searching for a 2nd song as I knew immediately that I wanted "Little Star" to be played... (On another side note: Twinkle Twinkle is also one of Tegan's favorite songs, pretty neat, huh?!) Well, upon looking through the book and listening to the CD I kept going back to "By Heart". I'm sure it was initially written as a love song between a man and a woman, but I thought it was quite appropriate for my situation... for me and my Ty. So, I'll stop rambling and share the lyrics with you. If you google the song you can also listen to a short clip of it... it's truly beautiful!
Enjoy and love to all!
~j

BY HEART
Hold me close, baby please
Tell me anything but that you're gonna leave
As I kiss this fallen tear
I promise you I will be here

Until the stars fall from the sky
Until I find the reason why
And darling as the years go by
Until there's no tears left to cry
'Til the angels close my eyes
And even if we're worlds apart
I'll find my way back to you...
By heart

When you go, I'll stop the clock
I won't ever let this moment stop
Time is stealing you from me
But it can never take this memory

Until the stars fall from the sky
Until I find the reason why
And darling as the years go by
Until there's no tears left to cry
'Til the angels close my eyes
And even if we're worlds apart
I'll find my way back to you...
By heart.

Until the stars fall from the sky
Until I find the reason why
And darling as the years go by
Until there's no tears left to cry
'Til the angels close my eyes
And even if we're worlds apart
I'll find my way back to you...
By heart.