Closer to Peace

I'll begin by sharing a story of childhood innocence with you which, I hope, will make you smile: As Tegan and I walked downstairs yesterday, he pointed to the following picture and said this, "Daddy - Ty - High-5!"


Now that I've got you smiling with tears in your eyes I've got another novel-length post for you. :)

I can't believe that it's been over a month now since the death of our little Ty. Each day does get a little better in the sense that the pain and grief is easier to deal with, though it doesn't hurt any less. I'm able to see babies and pregnant women without getting teary-eyed or jealous... more the opposite, actually - I am so excited for these women and the potential blessings that God has in-store for them, their friends and families. I also have a deep yearning to run up to them and tell them to count every kick and cherish every moment, but I know that's not necessarily appropriate.

The "loss" of Ty will NOT stop us from continuing to grow our family... it has simply changed the way and time-line of how it will grow. Tegan will grow up knowing that he is almost 2 years older than his next sibling... just not in the way we had planned. We know that at this point Tegan only "knows" about Ty through what we tell him, that his knowledge is more memorized information as opposed to an understanding of the reality. But years from now, maybe not until Tegan is a father himself, but someday he will understand the full extent of what happened to his little brother and appreciate the gifts God gave him through Ty and, too, his other siblings, those we have yet to be blessed with.

We know that our hearts need time to grieve and to heal, but we also know that we cannot wait for the pain to go away before we begin to grow our family even more, for no matter how long we give for that healing to take place there will always be a deep-rooted hurt that will never go away... when we "lost" our little Ty, we also lost a piece of our hearts. We are thankful, though, for SO many blessings that God has granted us.

Ty's death might not seem like a blessing in the eyes of many, but we do not have the eyes of the Lord and His eyes see all that is and all that is to come... and in Ty's case, the Lord knew that Ty needed to be spared the pain of the world that we know. Because of that we must be thankful that Ty's death occurred in the way that it did - he was safe in my womb surrounded by the physical warmth of my body and the loving warmth of my soul and the Holy Spirit that lives within my heart. Although we never met him face-to-face, never looked into his eyes and Ty into ours, we knew his kicks, rolls and punches and he knew our voices and our loving touch through my belly. Our loss could have been so much more difficult, though. I cannot imagine the experience a mother or father has when they lose their child to SIDS... to find your seemingly healthy child lying lifeless in his/her bed... or to bond with your child only to learn of a fatal ailment and know that it is only a matter of time before God calls him/her Home... or even the unexpected loss due to something such as a car accident. To some the loss that we experienced and the ones described above may seem identical - the loss of a child - but in our eyes we are thankful for the way that God chose to call our child to His home. In our eyes we were spared some of the grief that we could have endured through losing Ty in other ways.

There is also the blessing of our Tegan... our beautiful, healthy, strong and brilliant Tegan. He is so full of life and energy and God's love. From the moment he awakes he is verbally or physically running circles around us. His laughter fills our house and our hearts. He does not let us say good-night before we say our prayers, thank God for the blessings of the day, ask for His forgiveness and to bless as many of the amazing people in our lives that Mommy (or Daddy) can think of... and when our minds run blank, we finish by asking for God's blessings upon all those that we love. Then there is a blessing that I have to remind myself isn't a curse... the time, every afternoon and night after saying prayers and good-night, that my sweet big-little boy says the words, "No, Mommy, wait!" I know that in one way it is my child trying to delay sleep, but I also know that it is his way - TEGAN'S way - of telling me that he loves me... that I am one of the most important people in his life. God has TRULY blessed me!

The following is a poem that I read on the blog of a fellow member of "the club." (I think I've mentioned "the club" before... it's the one that no mother, no PARENT should ever have to belong to - the club of parents who have lost a child). Please read this poem with an open-mind and an open heart... know that what it says is so very true.

Remembering

by Elizabeth Dent

Go ahead and mention my child,
The one who died you know.
Don't worry about hurting me further,
The depth of my pain doesn't show.
Don't worry about making me cry.
I'm already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing
The tears that I try to hide.
I'm hurt when you just keep silent,
Pretending he didn't exist.
I'd rather you mention my child,
Knowing that he has been missed.
You asked me how I was doing.
I say "pretty good" or "fine."
But healing is something ongoing.
I feel it will take a lifetime.

I ask of you the following: Do not be scared to talk about Ty, his life and/or his death with me (or my family). Yes, he died, but he also lived, his life just occurred before his birth. It hurts to think about him not being here with us, but it hurts even more when people act like he never happened - that he never existed - because he did. Ty was and is my son and will forever be a part of my family and live in my heart. Take care, God bless and cherish each and every moment for they are all blessings given to you by God above! Love to all! ~j