Congratulations and Confusion

First off congratulations are in order. My dear friend Jenn and her hubby Nate welcomed their 2nd child, their son, Brady Nathan, into our world yesterday. I also want to give Jenn some extra props for her work. She birthed that boy in no time at all. 3 hours after she was induced Brady arrived and he was a whopping 9 pounds 2 ounces. That might not seem big to some, but it sure seems big to me... especially since I had to push for 2.5 hours before my 7 pound 6 ounce Tegan was born. Way to go, Jenn!!! (Congrats to their daughter Abbie, too, on her new little brother) :)

Brady's "safe arrival" is such an amazing example of God's goodness... it gives me faith and hope that I, too, will be able to again be able to grow a child in my belly, my womb, carry that baby to term (or near term) and welcome him or her into my family. Some day, sooner than later, that is my wish, my hope, my prayer. Please pray that we continue to heal and that when we are ready, we will be able to conceive again and have this prayer answered. ~ Thank you! ~

Now to the confusion, unrelated confusion, my confusion. SO I have been having some strange feelings regarding my grief, pain, sorrow and healing... I now go days without crying and wonder if I really have moved on and grown from Ty's death and all that it surrounds it (already?!). I wonder if this is what it feels like when someone gives all their pain to God and He takes. Has God truly already answered my prayers? Has he already taken my pain and my sorrow and put it upon Himself because I've given it all to Him and He has it. I visualize him holding my pain and sorrow and grief in one hand (maybe even one arm because it's a big load of hurt) and carrying and comforting me in His other hand (or arm). I don't know...

In one way I feel like I'm betraying my son in my lack of crying and outward pain and the fact that since the moment I learned of Ty's death I immediately began thinking of when I can do this/that again... the whole pregnancy thing. Then, in another way, I don't know... I know I'm not in denial. I know my baby, my son, my Ty died... but I also know my heart's yearning for another child, another sibling for my Tegan (and Ty) and another member of the Moore family. I know that I will forever wonder if Ty might still be here if he had been born even 1 day sooner [than he died] because he was still kicking and moving and hiccuping that day. But the fact is that Ty isn't here... he's with God, he's with Jesus and he's in heaven. I don't know if the could have been or would have been COULD HAVE BEEN and I'll never know... until I come face-to-face with my Maker. But here's my latest thought, will I still even care about that when I get to heaven? Will I even want to know what happened or just be glad that I'm there with him? Both of the hims actually: Him God and him Ty. That's my latest question. Does that all make sense? It does to me, so I guess that's the important thing...

OK... so WOW, that was deep, even for me. I've gotta stop there for now. Love to all, and again, congrats to Jenn & Nate (and their friends, families and loved ones!)
~jenn