The Latest News...

I want to begin by thanking you all, again, for all of the support, grace, love and prayers. Life is getting... well, I don't think easier or better are appropriate words, but maybe the phrase more manageable is right. I still cry daily but that's all part of the healing process.
Included in this post are a few more of my favorite photos that we got of Ty... I look at them all daily and cry, but that's good I think. Just wanted to share them with you all.
We have now gotten all of the lab reports back regarding what could have possibly gone wrong that could be detected through my blood, the placenta or the umbilical cord. As I feared, all of the tests came back "normal" or with "normal ranges." SO... Ty's death was not due to: anything I ate or inhaled (bacteria or viruses), a clotting disorder that could caused a clot in the placenta (which is good news for future pregnancies), chromosomal abnormalities that Ty could have had, any sort of trauma to the placenta (such as tearing away from the uterine wall or damage to the organ itself), and the umbilical cord had no knots in it and there didn't seem to have any trauma to it, either(which we already knew and also that it had not been wrapped around Ty's neck).
The one test that came back "normal" but on the lower end of "normal" was a test involving my thyroid. Apparently one of the levels of hormone or chemical produced by my thyroid were low, indicating that I could possibly be hyperthyroid, but pregnancy can also skew these results since the baby's thyroid doesn't begin working to it's full potential until after birth, so it pulls from the mother's thyroid. SO, I'll be getting a full thyroid work-up done at 6 weeks post delivery. Based on the research I've done so far, though, the only time there can be risk to the fetus due to the thyroid is when the mother is HYPOthyroid as opposed to HYPERthyroid. Like I said, the baby causes a higher demand on the thyroid (like it does on the pancreas and the increased need for insulin during pregnancy), so when the thyroid isn't working to it's potential is when there seems to be a higher risk for problems and stillbirth.

So... what does this all mean? Well, as I feared, we will probably never know what happened physically to cause Ty to pass. For me this is SO hard because in a way it makes me feel like it HAD to have been something that I did... something like unknowingly sleep on my back and cause limited blood flow to Ty that caused fatal damage to his body (such as decreased oxygen flow to the brain and organs). I worried that it was from Tegan climbing all over me, but all indications are that it was NOT from any physical trauma, so that eases my mind.
Still, it has been outrageously hard for me to not blame myself for not noticing Ty's lack of movement earlier in the day... I keep telling myself that I need to just accept the fact that whatever happened was out of my control and that there's nothing I could have done... that this is all part of God's plan and I need to accept this and be at peace with the fact that my little baby is safe in the arms of his Lord and Savior for the rest of eternity, but to be honest I am beyond jealous of my gracious God. In one respect I know that jealousy is wrong and I should be thankful for all of the blessings I have been given, but I also know in my heart that if I wasn't feeling this jealousy something would be wrong. I am a mother and it's perfectly normal for me to be jealous and to want to have my baby here in my arms.
I just ask that you keep praying for Brendan, Tegan and I. That you pray for peace in my heart and mind; that I allow myself to accept the reality and allow myself to continue to grow from this, to become a better and stronger person from this experience. Thank you so very much, again, for all of the support you have all provided us! Take care, God bless...
All for now...
~j