Maybe a New Bed & the Old Room???

To put it simply: there hasn't been much sleeping happening at our house the past few days. Tegan hasn't been sleeping well and Brendan and I haven't really been sleeping much since we got back from our vacation because of that. (as you read, keep in mind that Tegan's current bed is a set of twin size bunk beds that Brendan's dad made about 30 years ago for Brendan... to put it bluntly, they are VERY heavy and hard to move)

Well...On the way home from school today I decided to stop at Once Upon a Child and see what they had (toys, clothes, etc.) and I saw a really cute wooden IKEA toddler bed . Then I realized that it was pretty small and looked like it might require a special IKEA mattress or at least an extra thin mattress, neither of which we own and it only had one side-rail AND it was $50, which I thought was a bit much, especially since it's used and IKEA (which is known for being cheap). Then, a few minutes later I randomly looked up and saw (prepare for angels singing) a regular sized toddler bed with "diggers" or "bulldozers" on the headboard and side-rails on BOTH sides. The side-rails on the "digger" or "bulldozer" bed were taller too, so they'd accommodate a crib sized mattress (which we have and obviously aren't using anytime soon for a baby). Then I saw the price: $35!!! AWESOME! SO, I grabbed Tegan from the toy area and brought him over to look at it. Of course a smile swept across his face and he says (in awe) "digger bed, Mommy. Bulldozer!" I'm sure you can guess my next move - I bought the bed. The store has a 7 day return policy as long as I keep my receipt (which I'll obviously do) and so we've got 7 days to see if this helps with out sleep situation. I also set the bed up in the nursery (which Tegan already calls his room again - correction, he calls it "Tegan - Ty's room". We're thinking having him across the hall from us might help him sleep better, too. OH, and did I mention the bed was already assembled?

OK, I won't delay any longer... Presenting Tegan's "New" Big Boy bed that is just for him (because if Mommy or Daddy sit or lay on it it will break - SCORE!) Tegan refuses to pose on his new bed, but maybe we'll get another pic at bedtime tonight... we'll see. He also decided that the comforter that is from the crib bedding I had bought for Ty should instead be his, which I'm fine with. It's got rockets on it (so doesn't exactly "go" with the bulldozers on the headboard, but whatever) so it's up his alley :)

Pray for a good night's sleep for all 3 of us!!!
Love to all!
~jenn

Prayers Needed!!!

I'm not sure if you have heard of MckMiracle... sometimes he's known as MckMuffin... his real name is Stellan. Anyways, Stellan was not supposed to live much past birth if even to that point. Well, God intervened and Stellan was born last Oct. 29 seemingly perfectly healthy. Several days ago Stellan's heart started not working properly, again. To make a long story short, he's not doing well at all now. I only know of Stellan through his mom's (MckMama) blog. Before Stellan's heart got sick [again] I had a tough time reading about the miracle that he is... why couldn't I have a miracle of my own? Now I feel blessed that God didn't make me go through what this family is now going through. Even though I long to have looked into the eyes of my Ty just once and to have that gaze returned by him, I think going through his death after that bond had taken place would probably have been countless times more difficult.

So anyways, please pray for Stellan and his family. I know that God's will WILL be done, so I ask that you pray that whatever God's will is, that Stellan's family will remain strong in their faith and know that God's will is/was for Stellan's best interests. Thank you!
~jenn

Addition to previous post

I forgot to mention that during last night's unbelievable (to me) sunset there was a humpback whale jumping and splashing along the horizon line... just having a grand ole time! SO neat!

Aloha!

Hello Everyone... or should I say ALOHA! Yes, this post is being "sent" to you from Kihei, Hawaii (on the island of Maui). Brendan and I received a semi-last minute deal a month or so ago and decided to jump on the opportunity to get away from it all and take some time for ourselves (individually) and together (as a couple) to rest, relax and reflect. We have each been able to do this in our own ways and I feel that it has truly been a healing vacation for us.
For me a lot of my relaxing (at least mental relaxation) has come from my runs. I have run almost every day, so far... already put about 17 new miles on my shoes, approx. 8 of which were from one run. Considering I've gone for 3 runs this total is pretty good for me since my average run is usually about 3 miles. Today I will add more miles to that total before I have to pack the shoes away for our return to the non 80-degree weather of MN. Unlike at home, my runs here have not been very emotional. More-so a time for me to just zone out and NOT think. I think it helps that I've been listening to more upbeat music on my runs as opposed to stuff that reminds me of Ty.

Yes, a bike made the trip with us

Instead, my emotions have surfaced at other times... mostly when watching the sunset. I never knew how much a sunset could impact someone until recently. They have been extremely beautiful and have, to me, looked like God's light radiating from the horizon at me... like they were a gift from God to me... just me and no one else, even though I know that's obviously not the case. Yesterday was exceptionally hard being that it was the 2 month anniversary of Ty's going home to Jesus and the sunset was the most beautiful one I've seen so far while we were here. The sun was partially behind some clouds but it was the rays escaping through the gaps in the clouds that were just awe-inspiring. Needless to say, it took everything I had not to totally and completely lose it while taking in that gift... it was like God was saying, "Jenn, I'm here... even when the sun sets and you cannot see its light I'm here. Don't worry, Ty is with me and he's safe and happy and you will see him again." At least that's what I felt like He was telling me.
I have been reading 2 great books that have really been spiritually encouraging and confirming of what I already believed. The first is "Safe in the Arms of God" by John MacArthur. In it, MacArthur sites how scripture confirms that children who die go straight to the arms of God in heaven. Although I believed that Ty was in heaven from the moment I learned of his earthly death, this book has been very comforting since it gives scriptural proof. I highly recommend it to anyone who has lost a child (their own or one that they loved). It is somewhat of a tough read as it really makes you focus and it's got some pretty deep information, but still, a great book. The 2nd book is "90 Minutes in Heaven" by Don Piper. This book tells the experience that Piper had when he went to heaven for approx. 90 minutes after being killed in a horrific automobile accident. It also chronicles his recovery and how his experience has brought many more to Christ and helped countless others through their own physical and spiritual healing following various severe injuries. This book was recommended by a former neighbor and good friend. Even though I wasn't sure if I was ready to read it I decided to take the chance and am SO glad that I did. This is SUCH an easy and quick read and, again, confirms what I already believed about where my precious Ty lives now and for the rest of eternity: Heaven is more than anything we could ever imagine here on earth. Don't get me wrong about all of this, I still deeply mourn the earthly death of my baby. I'm angry that I never got to know Ty, his likes and dislikes, his coos and cries, his scent, his touch, his warmth... but I am comforted in knowing that he never experienced the pain and suffering that this world curses all of it's inhabitants with. Ty will live forever only knowing the love, grace and indescribable mercy of His creator.

I'll leave you with a few pics that I have received from Brendan's and my parents displaying Tegan's activities and antics while we've been away.

Captain Tegan (the clothed version)

Someone got a hold of Grandma's eye liner :)

Sounds like he's been having a great time, even though he asks for us - which makes me feel good that he misses us, even though I think I miss him more. :)

At the "House of Bounce" in Rochester w/Grandma Moore

Tegan hates having dirty fingers - hahaha
Riding the "Wonder Horse" (yes, that was mine when I was his age)

Love to all!
~j

Paci Update & More

Well... we are now 3 full days paci free and tonight was the 4th night of going to bed paci-free. I wish the above picture was how Tegan felt about it all but it's not... just a cute pic of what T does when you ask him to smile [for the camera].

Brendan ended up cutting the sides of it and according to Tegan (when he tried the 2 in his room, the only 2 that he's aware of in the house) they are now "broken". Needless to say, getting him to go down let alone stay in bed has been a challenge. Saturday and Sunday each brought an approximate 2 hour battle at nap-time... thankfully bedtime hasn't been as difficult as that, but it's still been tougher than before we took the "bai" away.
The paci was really what quieted T down and got him in "sleep mode" at bedtime and calm him and get him back to sleep if/when he woke up in the middle of the night, so he's now learning, for the first time in his life, how to truly self soothe. Last night was exceptionally tough, not at bedtime but 1/2 way through the night. I awoke to screaming (and I mean SCREAMING) at 12:31 (according to my clock). I still don't know if Tegan was even fully awake during all this or not, but he sure was upset. It seemed to be too late to be a night terror, because they (whoever "they" are) say that those usually occur about an hour or so after the child falls asleep. Anyway, he was VERY upset and it seemed like NOTHING was going to help him calm down and relax. He didn't want his blankie, me, Daddy, our bed... nothing. I finally scooped him up and brought him upstairs, against his will. Once we arrived in "Daddy's bed" T wanted absolutely nothing to do with me. I couldn't even touch him. Ha! I don't know what did it, but he was finally quiet again around 1:30 or so. I can tell you with no hesitation that Brendan and I were exhausted this morning from that escapade. You just get so worn out trying to figure out what's wrong and getting the crying to stop.

Now I'm trying to think of what else I can update you on about Tegan. He apparently likes showers now... he used to hate them because the water would get in his face. Well, I invited him to shower with me after my run yesterday and he was very excited. He quickly stripped down to nothin' and began to get into the shower... until he remembered he wanted to bring a cup (small Rubbermaid cup) with him. So, he stood and squatted and squeegeed and all that in front of me while I washed up and when I was done and turned off the water he informed me "water on, Mommy!" It was TOO cute. Well, I didn't turn the water back on for him, but I did let him play until I was dry and dressed. He was just TRULY having a ball! He was playing with his "little cup" IN the water AND was in his birthday suit... of course I got the camera out. HA! Gotta have something to show the girlfriends in 15 years, right? :)Hm... what else? I dunno... I'm tired, I know that. So I'll stop there. Next time will bring, OH, I know - a story about IKEA and another about Captain Tegan. Until then, I'll leave you with some words of wisdom from Tegan (he told me this as I strapped him into his carseat tonight after our Parents & Me music class tonight): "No go poop in bathtub. That's gross!"
Love to all!
~j

Paci Predicament

I have decided that I REALLY want to get T off the paci ASAP. It's really starting to pull his front teeth forward because he sucks SO hard. SO, we're looking for suggestions that worked for you. We tried clipping the tip and he announced "bai (pronounced bye) broken, get new bai" and then he basically screamed and cried when we told him that was the new special pace we had bought for him. He wanted it in the garbage and for us to get an old paci. HA! We've suggested mailing all his paci's to his new baby cousin and he said "No, Tegan's bai." I know we also need to be more firm... but really, it's hard and when that's his bedtime staple and calms him it's just that more tough.

OK, I'm blogging at work, so I should go... as Jim would say (from The Office, of course) "that would be against office policy, my friend". ;)
Love to all!
~j
p.s. I know I'm due for a more detailed Tegan update, so I'll work on that this weekend (including pics)

Congratulations and Confusion

First off congratulations are in order. My dear friend Jenn and her hubby Nate welcomed their 2nd child, their son, Brady Nathan, into our world yesterday. I also want to give Jenn some extra props for her work. She birthed that boy in no time at all. 3 hours after she was induced Brady arrived and he was a whopping 9 pounds 2 ounces. That might not seem big to some, but it sure seems big to me... especially since I had to push for 2.5 hours before my 7 pound 6 ounce Tegan was born. Way to go, Jenn!!! (Congrats to their daughter Abbie, too, on her new little brother) :)

Brady's "safe arrival" is such an amazing example of God's goodness... it gives me faith and hope that I, too, will be able to again be able to grow a child in my belly, my womb, carry that baby to term (or near term) and welcome him or her into my family. Some day, sooner than later, that is my wish, my hope, my prayer. Please pray that we continue to heal and that when we are ready, we will be able to conceive again and have this prayer answered. ~ Thank you! ~

Now to the confusion, unrelated confusion, my confusion. SO I have been having some strange feelings regarding my grief, pain, sorrow and healing... I now go days without crying and wonder if I really have moved on and grown from Ty's death and all that it surrounds it (already?!). I wonder if this is what it feels like when someone gives all their pain to God and He takes. Has God truly already answered my prayers? Has he already taken my pain and my sorrow and put it upon Himself because I've given it all to Him and He has it. I visualize him holding my pain and sorrow and grief in one hand (maybe even one arm because it's a big load of hurt) and carrying and comforting me in His other hand (or arm). I don't know...

In one way I feel like I'm betraying my son in my lack of crying and outward pain and the fact that since the moment I learned of Ty's death I immediately began thinking of when I can do this/that again... the whole pregnancy thing. Then, in another way, I don't know... I know I'm not in denial. I know my baby, my son, my Ty died... but I also know my heart's yearning for another child, another sibling for my Tegan (and Ty) and another member of the Moore family. I know that I will forever wonder if Ty might still be here if he had been born even 1 day sooner [than he died] because he was still kicking and moving and hiccuping that day. But the fact is that Ty isn't here... he's with God, he's with Jesus and he's in heaven. I don't know if the could have been or would have been COULD HAVE BEEN and I'll never know... until I come face-to-face with my Maker. But here's my latest thought, will I still even care about that when I get to heaven? Will I even want to know what happened or just be glad that I'm there with him? Both of the hims actually: Him God and him Ty. That's my latest question. Does that all make sense? It does to me, so I guess that's the important thing...

OK... so WOW, that was deep, even for me. I've gotta stop there for now. Love to all, and again, congrats to Jenn & Nate (and their friends, families and loved ones!)
~jenn

Closer to Peace

I'll begin by sharing a story of childhood innocence with you which, I hope, will make you smile: As Tegan and I walked downstairs yesterday, he pointed to the following picture and said this, "Daddy - Ty - High-5!"


Now that I've got you smiling with tears in your eyes I've got another novel-length post for you. :)

I can't believe that it's been over a month now since the death of our little Ty. Each day does get a little better in the sense that the pain and grief is easier to deal with, though it doesn't hurt any less. I'm able to see babies and pregnant women without getting teary-eyed or jealous... more the opposite, actually - I am so excited for these women and the potential blessings that God has in-store for them, their friends and families. I also have a deep yearning to run up to them and tell them to count every kick and cherish every moment, but I know that's not necessarily appropriate.

The "loss" of Ty will NOT stop us from continuing to grow our family... it has simply changed the way and time-line of how it will grow. Tegan will grow up knowing that he is almost 2 years older than his next sibling... just not in the way we had planned. We know that at this point Tegan only "knows" about Ty through what we tell him, that his knowledge is more memorized information as opposed to an understanding of the reality. But years from now, maybe not until Tegan is a father himself, but someday he will understand the full extent of what happened to his little brother and appreciate the gifts God gave him through Ty and, too, his other siblings, those we have yet to be blessed with.

We know that our hearts need time to grieve and to heal, but we also know that we cannot wait for the pain to go away before we begin to grow our family even more, for no matter how long we give for that healing to take place there will always be a deep-rooted hurt that will never go away... when we "lost" our little Ty, we also lost a piece of our hearts. We are thankful, though, for SO many blessings that God has granted us.

Ty's death might not seem like a blessing in the eyes of many, but we do not have the eyes of the Lord and His eyes see all that is and all that is to come... and in Ty's case, the Lord knew that Ty needed to be spared the pain of the world that we know. Because of that we must be thankful that Ty's death occurred in the way that it did - he was safe in my womb surrounded by the physical warmth of my body and the loving warmth of my soul and the Holy Spirit that lives within my heart. Although we never met him face-to-face, never looked into his eyes and Ty into ours, we knew his kicks, rolls and punches and he knew our voices and our loving touch through my belly. Our loss could have been so much more difficult, though. I cannot imagine the experience a mother or father has when they lose their child to SIDS... to find your seemingly healthy child lying lifeless in his/her bed... or to bond with your child only to learn of a fatal ailment and know that it is only a matter of time before God calls him/her Home... or even the unexpected loss due to something such as a car accident. To some the loss that we experienced and the ones described above may seem identical - the loss of a child - but in our eyes we are thankful for the way that God chose to call our child to His home. In our eyes we were spared some of the grief that we could have endured through losing Ty in other ways.

There is also the blessing of our Tegan... our beautiful, healthy, strong and brilliant Tegan. He is so full of life and energy and God's love. From the moment he awakes he is verbally or physically running circles around us. His laughter fills our house and our hearts. He does not let us say good-night before we say our prayers, thank God for the blessings of the day, ask for His forgiveness and to bless as many of the amazing people in our lives that Mommy (or Daddy) can think of... and when our minds run blank, we finish by asking for God's blessings upon all those that we love. Then there is a blessing that I have to remind myself isn't a curse... the time, every afternoon and night after saying prayers and good-night, that my sweet big-little boy says the words, "No, Mommy, wait!" I know that in one way it is my child trying to delay sleep, but I also know that it is his way - TEGAN'S way - of telling me that he loves me... that I am one of the most important people in his life. God has TRULY blessed me!

The following is a poem that I read on the blog of a fellow member of "the club." (I think I've mentioned "the club" before... it's the one that no mother, no PARENT should ever have to belong to - the club of parents who have lost a child). Please read this poem with an open-mind and an open heart... know that what it says is so very true.

Remembering

by Elizabeth Dent

Go ahead and mention my child,
The one who died you know.
Don't worry about hurting me further,
The depth of my pain doesn't show.
Don't worry about making me cry.
I'm already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing
The tears that I try to hide.
I'm hurt when you just keep silent,
Pretending he didn't exist.
I'd rather you mention my child,
Knowing that he has been missed.
You asked me how I was doing.
I say "pretty good" or "fine."
But healing is something ongoing.
I feel it will take a lifetime.

I ask of you the following: Do not be scared to talk about Ty, his life and/or his death with me (or my family). Yes, he died, but he also lived, his life just occurred before his birth. It hurts to think about him not being here with us, but it hurts even more when people act like he never happened - that he never existed - because he did. Ty was and is my son and will forever be a part of my family and live in my heart. Take care, God bless and cherish each and every moment for they are all blessings given to you by God above! Love to all! ~j